Sunday, 23 November 2014

The Conference

The first conference on the encouragement of procreation in humanity was accredited as a milestone in human history as it managed to get together both the scientists and the ecclesiastical of the church, including the Pope, under one wing. The aim of the conference, attended only by the major policy makers of the countries which had the biggest nuclear weapon cache, was of course the encouragement of human procreation as was depicted in bold red paint in all the banners and flags hung around the venue and the pamphlets handed out among the street which asked people to engage in procreation more.

The act of procreation was being practiced less and less by the people of the world as it was a tedious, time consuming and moreover painful process that was more of an irritation and inconvenience than anything else. The orgasm produced at the time of ejaculation or at the time of culmination of the sexual act made one writhe around in excruciating pain. And this on top of the fact that successful insemination led to the birth of tiny little things that required one’s constant attention and ruined one’s sleep with incessant bawling for some reason or the other instead of saying what they needed out loud in a languages that could be understood by every other human being led the well educated and practical people of the day and age to abhor the sexual practice. For all they cared it didn’t matter if the human race became extinct.

The church, always pro sex, was currently experiencing a huge decline in attendance and recruitment numbers. People were attending church less and less and even less people were donning the cassock. All men and women donning the cassock where required to have intercourse and have at least a minimum of 5 children. This according to the church and the sacred book of God was the duty of everyone who believed in God and it was clearly marked so in Lolitus 15:9 “Thou shalt have carnal relations aplenty and populate the world with more children as it the wish of thy Lord and the ultimate sacrifice that one can make him.

The scientific community was baffled as well when they realized that if the trend kept up of people refusing to have sex then the human kind will cease to exist and for them it was a horrendous result. They still had the many mysteries of the universe to unlock. They adopted a policy similar to the churches forcing all scientists to procreate and make at least 3 or more progeny so that the there will always be someone to carry the torch. But of course they quickly found that statistically the most brilliant of minds always came from progeny of non scientists. So the rapid decline in sex among the common individual was a cause of concern for them as well.

The policy makers to their credit tried everything they could to increase the act of procreation among the public. From advertisements aimed at inducing procreation to free marijuana and morphine during procreation to reduce the pain that was generated. But alas to no avail.

And that is finally what led to the conference on the encouragement of procreation. After everyone had gathered and sat down, the shouting of banalities and mild violent assault began among the church and the scientists. The organizers had already reserved time for this eventuality. The hatred among the scientists and the church was common knowledge. Until a hundred years ago, the church had set fire to scientists aplenty and even though it was banned now, still lobbied the government to bring it back stating that the sheer entertainment potential would drastically improve the countries morale and revenue.

The confrontation lasted longer than expected and started to get ugly. The scientists accusation that the so called God of the church had apparently been an absent minded and idiotic creator to have made the process of procreation a painful one by switching 2 simple nerve structures in the brain didn’t go over well.  The pope, Jacqueline XVII, immediately condemned the scientific community as devil worshippers for trying to disprove God and for having found evidence that God like humans could make mistakes. This she said was the reason for the obvious decline in the acts of procreation recorded worldwide.

As the accusation began to fly and fist were raised with the Pope landing a flying kick to chief scientist’s jaw while the moderators and policy makers looked on making bets on whether the pope would be able to able to get another kick on the chief scientist, there was a sudden flash of light and a cherubic presence of non evident gender appeared before them.

“I Michael” said the angel “come here under the orders of our great father..”

His sonorous booming voice was cut short as the entire religious side of the table erupted in jubilant shouts. The Pope threw the Mitre in the air and danced the robot as the scientists looked on dejectedly at the apparition. The cardinals convulsed in laughter as they pointed at their scientific counterparts while they hung their head low. The chief scientist even tried to slip away under all the jubilant ruckus but realizing that the door was locked made it back to his seat saying he was looking for the bathroom.

Michael the Angel, good humouredly allowed the celebration to on. After everything had subsided and the Pope got the Mitre back on her head, he stuck his tongue out at the scientist mockingly before continuing.

“The father wishes that any and all measures be adopted to ensure that the procreation of the human species continues. He considers the willingness of any human to practice sexual intercourse as a sign of great devotion and that that man or woman shall be immediately accepted to heaven on his or her natural death. He says it is the Anti-Christina’s deepest desire to ensure that man and woman does not have sex with each other and the pain of orgasm is his way of deterring God’s greatest creations from living and proliferating all throughout the world until all other species, which are the direct mischief of the Condomos, the fallen one, is obliterated. Set out people of God and spread this message far and wide.”

After the above mentioned discourse the halo around him brightened incredibly and the scientists already blinded by their hands with which they covered their eyes to not see what went against their belief rushed out. The Pope of course stayed back and took a selfie with the angel and posted it on twitter with the hash tags ‘#angel’ ‘#godwantsyoutofuck’ and ‘#christiancelebrity’.

The scientists outside, after huddling up around the chief, got their confidence back and started berating the cardinals who came out with their logic.

‘The entire thing was a shared hallucination.’

‘It was probably a dream state induced in our brain by the heat of the room’

‘Our brain was probably looking for a way out of the problem and made up the image to soothe our conscious minds’

‘Human mind is truly incredible and you guys are shit!’

The row was reaching its summit and the Pope who was still engaged in small talk with Michael the Angel over how his predecessors were doing up there turned towards the door hearing the shouts of the disgruntled cardinals outside. The pope was about to rush out when Michael stopped her.

‘Listen I gotta run. But you gotta solve this problem some way or the other. It’s too much of a nuisance. And to let you in on a secret, God did screw up. If anyone asks, you didn’t hear it from me. What with all the rush during the creation of the world and all, he accidently switched the pain and pleasure centers of the brain when it came to orgasms. But hey he’s the head honcho and he’s testy. If this doesn’t sort itself out he is gonna put the blame on either me or you and fire us. Even then he may not get away scot free and the board may end up firing him and replacing him with some other God like the old Egyptian ones or the Greek Gods. And let me tell you, you don’t want that. They require sacrifices and stuff, bloody mess really.’

‘Don’t worry I’ll take care of it. I have already uploaded the video of your message to Youtube. It just got a 100,000 hits.’ Said the pope giving Michael a wink.

‘Thank God…. Phew… I really like this job you know. The company wings are way too good. Fast transport, luxury… the whole thing. Well then see you upstairs when your successor kills you or something…. Toodleeoo’

And with that Michael vanished in a flash of light.


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